Beginner’s Guide to Supporting Your Neurodivergent Child in School

Has your child been refusing to do school work? Are your child’s grades slipping? Are their grades good but they are miserable? As a parent or guardian, it can feel impossible to understand what your child is going through when you’re not in their head or their school. Your child might be embarrassed or scared to speak to you about their struggles, or not even understand that there might be anything wrong in the first place. It’s your job to figure out what your child needs in school by being an expert sleuth.

If your child has been struggling in school, there are a variety of factors that could be affecting them. It’s important to consider social factors, the quality of academics, and home life. Here, we will be considering neurodivergence and other disabilities that your child may be facing. A mental health disorder, learning disorder, or other disability that affects performance at school can show up at any point in childhood (or beyond!), so don’t dismiss problems emerging later in the teenage years.

Perhaps your child is already receiving accommodations at school, or already has a diagnosis. Your child might have an IEP (individualized education plan) or 504 plan (more informal accommodations), and they might not. The goal of these tips is that they can be useful regardless of where your child may be on the diagnosis or accommodation timeline. Accommodations are rarely perfect, especially not right away, so it is important to keep supporting your child as they try their new tools at school.

First, let’s go over some common neurological culprits that hinder a child in school: ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), Autism Spectrum Disorder, dyslexia or dysgraphia (trouble with understanding written words and variations), anxiety, and depression. Once you understand the tells for a few of these common disorders, you can know where to start when asking a medical professional.

ADHD: According to the DSM-5, ADHD is characterized by periods of inattention and/or hyperactivity that is inappropriate for one’s age and interferes with development. A child who struggles to stay seated through lessons, gets easily distracted, is variably full of energy and very tired, might be a child with ADHD.
ASD: Autism can be a difficult one to catch because of how white and male-centric the diagnosis criteria often is presented. Essentially, if your child is not a white male, you may have to look further into the reasons behind odd behaviors you notice. Perhaps your child interrupts people while they’re talking, or says things inappropriate to the situation. Maybe they have all the right facial expressions when in public and meeting people, but are completely shut down and exhausted afterwards. They might take everything too literally, or repeat cliches throughout a conversation.
Dyslexia, dysgraphia, and dyscalculia: Your child might hate reading, have an abnormally hard time understanding maps or filling in coloring pages, or get glassy-eyed when faced with numbers.
Anxiety or depression: You may be thinking, “Kids are too young to be so stressed,” but unfortunately you’d be wrong. There are obvious and not-so-obvious influences that can lead to anxiety or depression in a child. Keep an eye on your child’s moods and how often they cry, get overwhelmed, or even sleep.
So you have determined that a need isn’t being met for your child. Here are a few suggestions on how to get to the bottom of it and go from there (in no particular order).

Talk to your child. Observe their behavior as objectively as you can. What is your child experiencing from their point of view? It might sound like complaining and exaggeration, but there’s always an underlying reason that you can gently tease out. For instance, “homework is stupid” may mean that your child doesn’t have the tools to get through school work alone, or that they’re simply over-exhausted from the school day. Remember that an eight hour work day plus more work at home is considered a lot for an adult; consider what that might be like for your child.

Talk to the teacher. What is the school’s perspective on your child’s performance? Does it match your child’s and your own observations? Find out what accommodations are already being used in the classroom, and how often. What works and what doesn’t? It’s also important to remember that the teacher might be a source of stress for your child. Teachers can fail to follow accommodations, or may treat a student poorly because of their neurodivergence. you can always reach out to others: the principal, the school counselor, your child’s case worker, the director of academics, or the superintendent.

Loop in your child’s medical team from the get-go. A primary care doctor fills a lot of shoes and functions as a professional screening-test who can figure out where to refer you. No one person can support your child fully. Keep a panel of experts in your back pocket and when you’re not sure of something, ask.

Study up on some common accommodations that relate to your child’s neurodiversity, disability, or difficulties. Many school districts offer in-school testing and have on-site counselors and specialists that will work hard to find out what your child needs. Allow the school district torun its tests and try out some solutions. This process might take a while and be frustrating, so keep track of things yourself and check in with your child frequently. If something is clearly not working or is even hurting your child’s education, reach out to the principal or case worker and talk through what to change.

Often, there will be no perfect solution for your child. For instance, your child might have autism and be deaf; the schools in your area might have a program for deaf students, and a program for autistic students, but not have a program that specializes in both at once. Talk with the school, with case workers, and other parents. Learn the options and aim for the best fit available.

Keep in mind that this is harder for your child than for anyone else – they’re living the reality of struggling in school. Let your child live their school life while the adults figure out the hard parts. These are formative years of social development and reasoning skills, and these would ideally be a student’s top priority, not wrangling accommodations.

The key points to remember is to stay knowledgeable and keep an open dialogue with your child, their school administrators, their medical team, and counselors. There are resources for you and for your child, you just need to find them.